Suffering

I have been thinking a lot about suffering lately. A wonderful pastor named Matt Chandler whose church I have attended has been diagnosed with brain cancer. I have heard several really thought provoking sermons on the subject. I attend a Christ centered 12 step program and hear weekly about the suffering my friends have gone through and go through as they allow God to heal their wounds. I have gone through a lot of pain in my life and because I was so mentally ill did not protect my children as I wish I had when they were young. It is only very recently that I have been able to forgive myself for the tragedy they have suffered in their lives. A big key to that healing was the realization they kept pounding home to me that if anything had changed in their lives they would not be the same people they are now. My children are incredible people. Watching my daughter is liking watching the Dawn rising over the darkness. And to see my son learn to be faithful and keep the same job and make thoughtful decisions about whether to change jobs is a wonderful blessing. He has friends he camps and bikes with. My daughter's children are just incredible. All this from generations of abuse, alcoholism, mental illness.
We saw a friend on New Years Eve I had not seen in years. She also has had healing from her broken marriage when her wonderful daughter who just got her master's degree said, "If you had married anyone else, I would not be the person I am."
Now I was just pondering this as I drove back from doing a few errands, and God spoke to me. Suddenly I saw just a glimpse of the huge picture. We look at our little, tiny lives and see the hard times and sometimes that is all we see. But God is fashioning generation after generation after generation of people. He is painting this enormous picture which our tiny minds can not dream. When I wanted to kill myself, I could not imagine my incredibly beautiful, intelligent, sweet grandchildren. Right now I can not imagine my great grandchildren, and their children. Who knows the impact of Matt Chandler's cancer on his grandchildren and great grandchildren? God knows and he is the one who is creating the picture. He is the one who know the end from the beginning. If we could just start to get this picture in our heart, that every hardship, every disaster is just another brush stroke on His masterpiece. It is not just our life but the effect that ripples out on the people around us and to the next generation and the next. Romans 8:18 For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with glory which shall be revealed in us. I am just going to close with that.

Searching for Deborah

I am going to write about the reason for the name of this blog. First I want to say I know my parents loved me and I love them. It is a sign of the immense healing Jesus Christ has done in my life that I can even say that. They just did not really love me in a very healthy way. I was abused by my family and others in many ways as a child and even adult. From a very early age I was told they had taken my self away, I was nobody, and nothing. In order to hide the fact that I felt that I was nobody, I had many masks I put on. The first thing I did on meeting anyone was try to determine what would make them happy, what they wanted from me. Then I put on the appropriate mask and gave them what they wanted.
Not long ago, my lovely daughter told me she was praying that I would be able to learn who I was. Who God had created me to be. That really hit home with me. I started thinking and praying about it. What do I like, what do I not like? What are my talents? Why don't I express them? Why do I spend all my spare time at work? Why do I feel like it is just the end of the world if I do not keep everyone around me happy? Then on the other hand, why do I let small insignificant things really upset me? What is really important to me? At 591/2, am I making time for the things that I enjoy, the things that are really important to me? I have decided I do not have a lot of time for things that I do not really enjoy. Of course I am still going to work but probably not 60 hours a week. So I am just exploring what it is like to be me.

Happy to Be Alive

Well, I pretty much got the idea of blogging from my daughter, Dawn the Butcher. I come home daily and go to her bookmark to see what incredible treats she has in store for me each day. Sometimes parts of what she writes are very hard to read, but there is always such a blessing in each post for me. I was praying today and thanking God for the fact that I am alive to watch my daughter blossom into the woman she is becoming. That is the only word for the glory of what God is doing in Dawn's life. She is like a beautiful rose that is blooming and becoming more beautiful each day. God truly picked her name, she is the Dawn breaking over the darkness of the pain that was her early years.
All through my 20's, 30's, and early 40's, I was very suicidal and wanted to die. Daily I thought about killing myself and at times thought of killing my children and myself. When someone kills themselves and their family, people are always so shocked but you see I understand that place of hopelessness and darkness. I have heard those lies the enemy will whisper. You think about how miserable you are and how long you have suffered and you look at your children who are miserable and suffering. You think, my God, how can I let them suffer and be miserable for 40 or 50 or more years. No, I will just give us all peace now. I can only be eternally grateful to Jesus Christ that I made it through that very dark time in my life to a place where loving people helped me to come to know His grace and love.
I will be 60 years old in June. I have lived to see my daughter bloom and find the man she loves. I have lived to hold my grandchildren and watch them grow. I have watched my son struggle with depression, addiction, a stay in state jail, and watched him come through all the tragedy of his early life to grow and become stronger daily. I have seen the family the enemy tried to utterly destroy and tear apart, become healed and loving and closer every day. If I had had my way, I would have died long before I ever lived. I am so grateful that God had another plan. I just wish I could let everyone know that things get better. That God really does take all that garbage and make something beautiful out of it when we start taking it to Him and telling Him how we hurt.